The internet gives us a lot of great things on a daily basis, it also gives us terrible things like this eBay listing where someone has preserved their coconut donut from Phish’s July 21 show, best known as opening night of their Baker’s Dozen run, the historic, repeat-less run marked by a different flavor each night. 

Typically, the rule “don’t tell other people how to make their money” should always be followed. There are times it should be broken, however, like with this situation right here. I have a few questions, detailed below.

1. Who is going to pay $350 for this donut? It is almost two months old. It looks like someone pulled some snot out of Ted Williams’ frozen head and encased it in glue.

2. How did this donut survive this long? How was it not eaten when the desperation of the nightly second set hunger strike occurred? What type of will power does this person possess? 

3. WHO IS OUT THERE LOOKING FOR THE ELUSIVE PRESERVED COCONUT DONUT TO COMPLETE THEIR SET OF THIRTEEN?!

4. What was the method behind preserving this donut? Was it taken to a special store who does such work? What type of reaction do you get when you ask the guy behind the counter: “Hey, I’m here to preserve my coconut donut from this Phish show I went to a couple months back.” 

Shockingly, there are zero bids. You have six days if this is your type of thing. I desperately hope it isn’t, this world is already bleak enough.