Arcade Fire’s Alleged Rider Requests, Ranked

Rob Slater on March 4, 2016

The game of riders leaking online is a messy one most of the time, as it’s easy to fabricate an artist or band’s rider to make them seem like over-demanding divas. Anyone remember Jack White’s guacamole meltdown?

However, it’s okay to have a little fun with alleged riders, so let’s dig into the most recently leaked Arcade Fire rider from their Reflektor Tour (via CoS). Check out the full list and let’s dive into where the Canadian rockers get it right and where they go oh so terribly wrong.

18. 3 Beers (Preferably Light)

This is a disgrace. No. When was the last time you saw a rock star rolling around backstage with a Keystone Light?

17. 1 Package of Vegan Hot Dogs

These are the hot dogs made with non-meat products, right? Like spare parts from bicycles, a pig’s ear and some paper clips? Yeah, pass.

16. A Craft Corner with Assorted Paints and Canvas as a Creative Outlet

……..

15. 12 Cans of Coke Zero

Nobody drinks Coke Zero for the taste, so I’ll assume this is for the whole “no calories!!” thing Coca-Cola’s marketing team shoveled down America’s throats. ALL LIES.

14. Clove Cigarettes

Cloves are the Coke Zero of cigarettes, so this is also a poor choice.

13. Loose Black Chai Tea (again, LOOSE, REALLY IMPORTANT)

The word “loose” typed like that, that many times, makes me wildly uncomfortable. No points.

12. 1 Package of Organic Raspberries

Types of Berries, Ranked: Blueberries, Strawberries, Raspberries, Blackberries, Every Other Type of Berry

11. 16 Bottles of Evian Water

Props on hydrating after all of that Coke Zero and Cloves, but Evian wakes up in the morning, in its Dasani pajamas, and drinks Smartwater.

10. Cut Vegetables

Now we’re getting somewhere. If we’re talking about a full veggie platter, count me way in.

9. Hummus and Pita Chips

Hummus is only second to ranch in the “Things to Dip Veggies In” category. Fun Fact: That’s only a two-man race. Blue cheese is never the answer. Ever.

8. All Visible Written Words Must Have Correct Grammar/Spelling

This is so weird it deserves to be ranked high on this list. Just imagine the panic in the eyes of the venue workers as they double as copy editors before Win and Regine roll up to the arena.

7. Fair Trade Gummy Bears

Gummy Bears run circles around Gummy Worms. That’s just a fact. Major points here.

6. 1 Bag of Locally Produced, Sustainable Ice

Shoutout to Win, Regine, Will, Jeremy, Sarah, Richard Reed Parry and the rest of Arcade Fire for supporting those hustling in the local ice game.

5. 1 Victrola Phonograph with 200 Watt Speakers

Every rider needs an odd request and this is definit–

4. Collection of Robert Munsch Books

Oh, wait. This is the weird request. Robert Munsch is a Canadian children’s author, by the way, making this one of the odder requests out there.

3. Mushrooms Harvested Locally

What….kind….of….mushrooms……Win….huh…huh….huh

2. 1 Bottle Czech Absinthe with Glasses

I assume this is for “band prayer” before going on stage. Otherwise whoever is taking this bottle of Czech fucking Absinthe to the face is going to bust through the venue walls like the Kool-Aid Man.