Features

Jim James: My Page

Photo by Wes Orshoski

Today we look back to the December/January issue of Relix when we gave Jim James his own page in the magazine.

Hello. This is my page, so the topic I want to talk about for this piece is food that is good and easy to keep frozen or preserved for long periods of time—like cavemen or dynosaurz—and perfect for when you come home after a long vacation, absence or tour. First things first: Before leaving on your trip, take a trip to your local grocer’s freezer section. You’re going to want to stock up on some fine frozen foods.

Here are some things I enjoy seein’ in my deep freeze when I come on home:

Caveman lawyer (still frozen), Hamsters (gerbils), Bread , Veggie burgers, Cheese, Butter , Edamame, Stem Cells, Geese, Toilet Paper rolls, Beans, Veggies (corn and brocolli and mushrooms).

It is also important to pick up some canned goods, such as:

Black beans, Refried beans, Pinto beans, Great Northern beans, Chili beans, Lima beans, Pig’s feet, Spinich, Herrings.

It’s also a good idea to keep some non-perishable condiments in the fridge such as:

Mayonnaise, Mustard, Mayostard, Mustardayonnaise, Butter, Syrup, Chocolate Lucky Charms, A Wendy’s Frosty, Pig’s feet.

First things second: When you get back to your apartment or home, after a long time away, dust off your copy of Young, Gifted and Black by Aretha Franklin and put “Day Dreaming” on repeat. Get out your virtual aquarium or virtual fireplace DVDs and put them on repeat. Take out your PlayStation Portable and plug it into the wall and turn on Virtual Fighter 4. Leave it on the men screen but turn it up. Thaw out caveman lawyer. Now he is “unfrozen caveman lawyer!”

Wish Phil Hartman were still alive. Wish him back to life. Go in your bedroom and turn on your clock radio to your local classical station (it should have already been tuned to this station you asshole! What the fuck were you thinking waking up to the buzzer or 99.7 WDJX?) Take off all your clothes and put on your nightie, or your Fila velvet jogging suit—whichever you wear to bed— turn down all the lights and put on some Patti Labelle- flavored incense (available at the market on the corner or 2nd and Magnolia, right across from the Mag-bar).

Now you are ready to cook with grease. Get out some olive oil and pour it down your backside. Have someone give you a massage, or if no one is there, give one to yourself. You will be hungr and tired and frustrated and sick of all humanity—pushed to the very limit of what you think is possible for a human being to tolerate or endure, as you will just have returned home from the airport or a very long van ride. Roll out a sheet or plastic or linoleum or garbage bags onto your bed and cover it with baby oil. Roll.

Take off your nightie or Fila jogging suit and just roll around like a killer whale on the beach. Gasp for air and “root!!! root!!” like a seal with a plastic ball balanced on its nose. Feel the oils caressing your skin. Breathe. Just concentrate….. ahhhh….. And think how nice it will be to get all that oil off and put it back on later before you go to sleep.

Smell the Labelle… Ahhhh… Listen to “Day Dreaming”... Holy shit what a great song…. Liste to the killer flute sound in that song and those killer fucked up background vocals and xylophone or harmoniums or bells or whatever the fuck they are that just trail off forever into nowhere…

Just chill the fuck out, man. Seriously, for once in your goddamn life, just chill the fuck out!