LET’S SAY YOU ARE LUCKY ENOUGH TO BE blessed with extraordinary musical talent. You hook up with a few like-minded musicians who appreciate the same rhythms. You start jamming together, playing some gigs for friends or frats and something starts to click. The music is good, very good. The audience digs it and you gain a following. Bookers are interested. You officially form a band. You all agree this is a major commitment and how you want to earn your livelihood. You are excited. This can be huge—the start of something BIG.

The band needs a name. You huddle, discuss and after days of push and pull you decide on a name that will define you for eternity. A name that will represent great music, unite fans and be on marquees across the country. Your band’s new name is… Uncle Boogie Pants? Please say it isn’t so. Well, it actually isn’t any longer, as the band recently changed its name for the better to The Stretch. This Chicago-based group has a loyal following and plays good music but the name was doing it no favors.

Naming a band is an art. There are some great bands out there that have some terrible names and still do well—but could they have done better? The String Cheese Incident usually comes to mind but it worked for them. The Cheese, SCI and other short forms make fans feel like they are on the inside. Plus, the music kicks ass.

However, there are certain words that should never be part of a band’s name—ever.

Psychedelic: The Breakfast figured that out a few years ago.

Groove: Addison Groove Project was a good band with a lame name.

Ripple: There was a band called Ripple Groove, a case where two negatives definitely don’t make a positive. They have since changed their name to REDUX. We all thank you.

Boogie: There are over 500 bands on MySpace using the word Boogie. That’s over 500 too many.

Funky: I love The Funky Meters but would never wear their T-shirt.

Besides being interesting, a name should also be web-friendly, as the URL is an important destination. When The Zen Tricksters started working with Donna Jean Godchaux they couldn’t agree on a name and ended up with Kettle Joe’s Psychedelic Swamp Review. Try fitting that on a marquee or typing it in the URL. It’s like homework. Thankfully, they switched to Donna Jean and The Tricksters.

Changing a band name midstream has its own risks. It has to be done in a way where fans don’t feel alienated. The Artist Formerly Known as Prince definitely didn’t think it through.

Some bands consciously choose names that make people recoil in horror. Hardcore metal bands strive to be different, both musically and with their image. Take The Bloody Stools for example. Their 1991 album, Meet the Bloody Stools, fortunately featured only barstools on the cover. They were no less interesting with their song titles, including gems such as “Show Me Your Tits,” “Barnyard Love” and “Give Head or Die.” Strangely, the music is pretty good and the album features Richie Sambora as a guest guitarist. I’m not sure it had to do with the band’s name but they didn’t leave much of a legacy; their MySpace page has only three friends and one is Tom—the friend whore.

Ultimately, it’s all about the music and having a great name will never make bad music better but a good name can get you extra attention, bigger gigs and more exposure. A lousy name will only limit your opportunities to grow and leave you with friends like Tom.

Steve Bernstein is the president and publisher of Relix magazine. He plays mandolin in the band Hell or High Water, which once lost a gig due to its name.